A partial dramatis personae of SILVER BROWN’s cast of characters, in rough order of importance. This list is by no means final or definitive; I’ll probably continue to make edits to this page (major and minor) as time goes on. There are also dozens and dozens of background characters in the story that never appear in more than a few chapters and don’t really contribute much (if anything) to the plot. Most of those aren’t mentioned here.
Florys MacNab. The main character, and the narrator for the bulk of the story. Florys (one of several character names that spontaneously came to me one particularly insightful afternoon at twenty minutes after four; it rhymes with Morris) is a teenage cyberwitch, specifically a delta-level Pansy in Lodge No. 7712 of the Thirteenth Nation Sisterhood – a title she’d much rather not have. Her life as a Sister is not sufficiently glamourous enough for her, mostly because people affiliated with the Union are looked on as personae non gratae within the Orycteropian retail establishment. Her skills in the cybermagickal arts are notably sub par, and more than anything she would like to part ways with the Sisterhood and join the Orycteropian Synod, because she sees being an Orycteropian as some kind of prerequisite to being considered cool. She loves to spend money, mostly on expensive ornamental trinkets with little to no practical value. Loves alcohol, and hates cats.
Isimud a.k.a. the slug. A mysterious hyperintelligent inhuman entity of unknown origin. He has seven phalluses and five stomachs, and his huge maw is encrusted with a crown of tentacles and eye stalks.
Kent Fairholt. Florys’ former beau and reluctant bodyguard against the slug, who also serves as the story’s narrator for exactly three chapters (you’ll know which ones they are). Kent is a working man, on the payroll of the cybermagickal Nation known as the Society of Wheel Turners, but merely as a hired gun – he is not himself a Wheel Turner and knows even less about cybersorcery than Florys does. Nevertheless, Kent and the Union go way back. He has intimate knowledge of the underground software distribution channels that the Union keeps operational. No matter what it is, Kent knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. In stark contrast to Florys, Kent comes from a very modest background, and looks on Florys’ fascination with wealth and status with a great deal of disdain. If you were to name his top five favourite things, they would be his motorscooter Miss Petunia (numero uno by a long shot), two mammary glands (not necessarily ones belonging to the same person), a full-bodied fine cigar, and his trusty sidekick Sherman, who serves as his personal assistant, chief science officer and occasional weapon, among other things. Florys wouldn’t even be in the top thousand.
Elmýr Garfield. An aged cyberwarlock affiliated with the Sons of Tiamat, and (mostly self-proclaimed) SAAZMOL expert. Elmýr is a battle-scarred old geezer, having seen a lot of crazy shit in his day. He’s brutally honest, tends to have a low opinion of humans (especially ones he’s on friendly terms with), and seldom, if ever, does anything for anybody out of the goodness of his heart. As a result of a cybermagickal experiment he conducted on himself in his youth that backfired on him, he is prone to spontaneous shapeshifting, frequently changing his form or growing new appendages without warning. He has no control over this, but has consistently refused help from anyone in the Union who might be able to assist him in correcting the issue, because he’s a Tiamatian, and Tiamatians don’t need any help from anybody. Except maybe Dunsmure the Bird, who is occasionally summoned by Elmýr to speak on his behalf whenever the old man finds himself transubstaniated into a speech-incapable format. Given the bird’s crippled intellect and limited vocabulary, this can often have unintended consequences.
Sherman. Kent Fairholt’s trusty sidekick. Seemingly the wisest and most level-headed among the main group, although scarcely acknowledged as such. He’s a utility program, who invariably appears in the Environment as a white ferret, and by default speaks in an ultra high-speed variant of Morse code, with Kent often serving as his interpreter. Has a wide range of special skills and abilities that frequently come in handy, like a walking Swiss Army knife with fur. The sidecar on Kent’s motorscooter is reserved for Sherman; Kent gets very irate if anybody else sits there.
Her Honor the Crocus Rupertia. The digital essence of Elmýr Garfield’s dead mother, who has been installed in Sherman as a special module and communicates with Elmýr using Sherman as a medium, with her own voice. In her day, Crocus Rupertia was a high-ranking figure within the Thirteenth Nation, and tends to scold her son whenever he dares to say anything critical of the Sisterhood (or any other Nation for that matter – Elmýr doesn’t think very highly of the Wheel Turners either). She tends to have a sunnier and less cynical outlook on things, functioning as the voice of reason whenever Kent and Elmýr get into an argument about something.
Dunsmure the Bird. Elmýr Garfield’s aerial war-program, who typically appears in the form of a male ringneck parakeet. For various legal reasons related to trademark infringement, he is always referred to as Dunsmure the Bird; Elmýr becomes slightly agitated if anyone calls him simply Dunsmure. Among other things, Dunsmure the Bird has been programmed to change his size at will and can transubstantiate himself into whatever avian species suits the situation, e.g. he can convert himself to a penguin if Elmýr needs to use him as a submarine, or a colossal hawk if he needs a war plane. He is equipped with plasma weaponry, and the interior of his crop functions as a cockpit that people can ride in. His software is rudimentary compared to his hardware, however. In his default parakeet form, Dunsmure the Bird is prone to uttering Ralph Wiggum-esque non sequiturs at completely inappropriate times.
The Venerable Jennifer Stromberg. Florys’ aunt. Like Florys, she is also a member of the Thirteenth Nation Sisterhood, holding the rank of Daffodil and the title of Taoiseach-in-Waiting in Lodge No. 7712 (the same Lodge Florys belongs to). In addition to being Florys’ legal guardian, Aunt Jennifer is also Florys’ appmistress, assigned by her superiors in the Sisterhood the responsibility of training Florys in the Cybercraft and monitoring her progress. Aunt Jennifer tends not to get angry or upset with anything.
Wilburtine Wandaëllen Wentworth. Florys’ best friend and closest confidante, and a fellow student at the fine institution of Orycteropian secondary education known as Emerson Murdoch Collegiate Institute. She is faithful to the teachings of the Orycteropian Synod almost to the letter. The only one of Florys’ classmates who knows her true Nation affiliation, and perhaps because of that, is unwaveringly supportive of Florys’ decision to join the Orycteropian Synod. Frequently uses her shopping licence to get Florys her coveted wares, mostly out of pity.
Tuxedo. Florys’ startcmd program, who lives inside her head. Tux has a laid-back happy-go-lucky attitude and doesn’t really take his function as a startcmd program seriously, finding something endlessly amusing about Florys’ near-constant state of high-strung anxiety. He’s a nudist, has a strange sexual fascination with nature documentaries, and doesn’t care what you think about that.
Neilsen. Florys’ imaginary boyfriend, who only appears in her dreams. A seven-foot-tall dashingly handsome black man with big muscles.
The Aardvark. A cartoon character who is the official mascot and joint logo of SAAZMOL and the Orycteropian Synod. More of a Big Brother-type of entity than a character in the truest sense. Wilburtine and other Orycteropians venerate him as the Most Awesome Logo Ever and the Crash and Reboot of All Existence.
Valerie. Wilburtine’s startcmd program. Elegant. Refined. Sharp dresser. Practically perfect in every way. Always helpful. Never in a bad mood. Florys loves her, and frequently wonders why Tuxedo can’t be more like her.
Hot N’ Wet Jeannette™. Kent’s startcmd program and occasional lover. Florys hates her. With ever fiber of her being.
The Precious Ruby Lapp. A junior cyberwitch, holding the rank of alpha-level Buttercup in Lodge No. 7712, serving as the head page of the Executive Cabinet within her Lodge. She can do no wrong in the eyes of her superiors. Florys hates her too. With ever fiber of her being.
The Lads. Two utility programs who follow Ruby Lapp around wherever she goes, fawning all over her and kissing her butt and generally being subservient. They usually appear in the form of squirrels, and always speak in unison. Like they’re possessed.
Her Serenity the Crocus Acadia. A senior cyberwitch. She is the reigning Vizier-Queen of Lodge No. 7712, and as such is Florys’ and Aunt Jennifer’s superior within the Sisterhood. Florys finds Crocus Acadia unnerving, not only because of the Vizier-Queen’s extreme ugliness and gruff demeanour, but also because she has a hole in her neck that she smokes her cigarettes with, which she had installed on purpose. The Vizier-Queen speaks with two voices, one of which doesn’t even sound remotely human.
Harvey Pukerabbit. A cyberwarlock and semi-famous waremonger, affiliated with the Society of Wheel Turners. He lives on the island of ₪KLAVERIOS in a secret area known as the Valhalla District, and rarely (if ever) leaves his home island. For a very reasonable fee, he kindly dispenses sage advice, as well as remedies for most known viruses.
Ezekiel Bloodpuppy. Grand Chieftain of the Most Noble House of Rúdu, a division of the Society of Wheel Turners. Kent Fairholt’s boss. Proprietor of a bar and grill in Sector Whiskey called Cousin Zeke’s Exotic Eats, but that’s just his legitimate business. He’s somewhat stuffed-shirted and no-nonsense in his professional dealings. Wears a lot of jewelry.
Sugar Ray Snotkitten. A Wheel Turner appointed by the Union to oversee some top-secret project. Very little is known about him, outside of the fact that he lives a reclusive existence on the island of ₪ULZAPUKKA. But you didn’t hear that from me.
Clayton. A towering faceless humanoid program, and Harvey Pukerabbit’s lovely assistant. Constantly engulfed in smokeless fire, which doesn’t seem to hurt him. Speaks in a language of incomprehensible grunts and gibberish, which only the waremonger understands.
Sweetheart. The talking reptilian program who guards the gate to the Valhalla District on the island of ₪KLAVERIOS. He can shoot red lasers out of his eyes, which he uses to scan the irises of all visitors to the island to determine whether they are worthy to pass through the gate. According to Harvey Pukerabbit, he can devour most anything with the greatest of ease, and the unworthy are his favourite snack.
Miss Petunia. Kent Fairholt’s motorscooter/pride and joy, specifically an IbbotsonWalker Thundercamel of the highest calibre. An inanimate object and not a character per se, but important enough to the plot to warrant a mention here.
Namtar a.k.a. Our Glorious President. Isimud’s supervisor at SAAZMOL. A grotesquely ancient ærispel who has been through several more instars than Isimud, and who makes Isimud look almost saintly in comparison.
and last but not least…
Mrs. MacNab. Aunt Jennifer’s older sister, and Florys’ mother. Methinks it would be imprudent to say too much about this character in a public forum such as this. You’ll just have to read the book, if you really need to know more.
SILVER BROWN: A Forwarpendix
Part I: The Introduction of SILVER BROWN
Part II: The Birth of SILVER BROWN
Part III: The Raw Meat of SILVER BROWN
Part IV: The World of SILVER BROWN
Part V: The People of SILVER BROWN
Part VI: The War of SILVER BROWN
Part VII: The Language of SILVER BROWN
Part VIII: The Dashing Prince of SILVER BROWN
SILVER BROWN: A Blog
Part XI: The Journey of SILVER BROWN
Part XII: The Soundtrack of SILVER BROWN
Part XIII: The Bullhorn of SILVER BROWN
Part XIV: The Green Grass of SILVER BROWN
Part XV: The Zen of SILVER BROWN