Tag: cooking

SIGHTS

I Created an Oviform Monster

X. Jupiter Hart

This is part of a science experiment I did for school. I was curious as to what the end product would taste like, so I cooked it up and ate it. In short, it was a culinary abomination. Had to slather the whole thing in generous amounts of salsa just to make it palatable. Smelled like roadkill as it cooked, and gave me a colossally bad gutache that lasted for the next twenty-four hours. The havoc it wreaked on my digestive tract admittedly didn’t ruin the Grey Cup for me as much as A.J. Ouellette’s touchdown in the fourth quarter. But still, it was bad enough to convince me that raspberry purée is a terrible thing to marinate an egg in.

It looked and tasted like a puddle of raspberry juice before I cooked it.

…but for whatever reason, marinating a different egg in blueberry purée (as opposed to raspberry) gave the end product the taste and consistency of yogurt. It was like eating a dairy product that never involved a cow. There were no subsequent violent rumblings in my intestines to boot.

I still think I’m gonna use HP Sauce if I ever try this experiment again.
The Green Grass of SILVER BROWN

That Shit I Ate For Breakfast

X. Jupiter Hart

Chocolate blueberry pancakes started out as just a concept that came to me one morning during a wake n’ bake. One I translated into a tangible product the following Sunday. (If you can dream it, you can do it?) The first batch turned out like this…

They were pretty good. The chocolate taste was detectable yet subtle. But some crazy part of me wanted more chocolate. So the next weekend I added an extra teaspoon of cocoa to the pancake cauldron, and a few handfuls of these things…

If Count Chocula had a nasty case of the runs, it would probably look like this.
The maiden pancake in its early embryonic stage. I’m aware of how scatologically suggestive this picture is, so there’s no need to point it out to me.
The finished product. It should be pointed out that accidentally making the pancakes extravagantly huge is one of the associated risks of doing this while high.

It was immediately apparent after the first couple of bites that there’s only so much chocolate one can put in pancake batter before the resultant product tastes more like a certain dessert than actual pancakes. I thought to myself: Gadzooks, am I eating chocolate cake for breakfast? Have I turned into one of those people?! The blueberries kicked in around Bite Number Three, instantly bringing my gastronomical chi back into balance and salvaging the whole experience from my nightmares. They didn’t overpower the chocolate flavour, opting instead to lurk in the background. Occasionally reminding me of what I was actually eating.

If the blueberry goodness was a character in this taste bud theatre, it’d be something like a benevolent version of Michael Myers.

These were actually way better-tasting as leftovers. Something about refrigerating them overnight restored the innate flapjackitude lost during the cooking process. Pancakes from the first bite, albeit weird-ass ones from another dimension. A dimension my stomach was pretty convinced was evil…

The next Sunday I nixed the cocoa entirely and only put in a small handful of chocolate chips. One of the pancakes from that batch looked at me funny…