SMELLS

Oldirocks and the Three Bowls

Her Majesty’s first official royal portrait.

A few months ago I accidently knocked my bong off the royal nightstand that she surveys her queendom from, sending her tumbling to the ground. Fortunately, Her Majesty survived the fall intact without a scratch. Part of me is tempted to proclaim that as testament to her quality as a piece of glassware, but the fact that she landed on wall-to-wall carpeting probably had more to do with it. One presumes her fate would have been very different had she landed on a hardwood floor.

The incident was not completely inconsequential, however. The whole bottom part of her bowl broke off…

It still works if you hold it to the stem at just the right angle.

This is the bowl she came with. The only one she ever had, up until that point. I’ve accidentally dropped this bowl once before, back in January 2019. On a (garage) floor of solid concrete, to wit. A glass shard broke off the bottom part that fits inside the stem (a part that according to Google is called a “joint”), but that shard was not big enough to render the entire bowl inoperable. I could still fasten it snugly into the main apparatus despite the blemish, and continued to use it for the next three years. Up until the aforementioned incident last April. Whatever remaining portion of the original joint that didn’t break off in 2019 broke off then.

Within a fraction of a second, my bong found herself in need of a new bowl. Good thing I live in a country that practically has more head shops than churches. Two of which are operating in my immediate neighbourhood. It was in one of said establishments that I picked up this specimen…

…and with strange aeons even death may die.

This was an impulse purchase. I was in a rush and had not the time to carefully weigh my options. What’s more, I entered the store believing that replacement bowls were largely one-size-fits-all. A presumption I now know to be false, through practical experience. This bowl looked close enough to something that would fit my bong, and that tentacle struck me as exuding all manner of kickassitude. So I was sold. It would have given Her Majesty a certain Lovecraftian glow, if only it actually fit inside her stem. Turns out I’d just wasted thirty bucks on something that was one size too big.

Slightly more planning went into the purchase of the second bowl. At a different head shop, I brought the remains of the original bowl in for inspection so that the salesperson could better advise me on what kind of replacement part I needed. She suggested this compact number that fit Her Majesty perfectly. One of those contraptions that filters the smoke though tiny holes. It worked like a charm for about a day, until the tiny holes became clogged with tar. The second I tried to clear the holes of tar, this happened…

Lookit those tiny little holes.
…but at least it came in a pretty box.

The third bowl was the one that was just right. Unfortunately they didn’t have a Cthulhu bowl in my size. They did have ones that were all glittery. But I passed on those, judging them to be too much of a pain in the arse to clean (these things get right revoltingly filthy after multiple sessions). So I settled on this guy…

This is probably the cleanest it’s been since I first got it.

This is actually a hollow piece of glass. I didn’t realize it until I used it for the first time. It fills with smoke during a hit, enhancing Her Majesty’s royal powers by functioning like a second chamber. Since TikTok and YouTube tend to tsk-tsk me if I post anything depicting cannabis use, I give you a demonstration in GIF-o-vision™…


SOUNDS

The Year I Went (Wacky) Granola

I would drink more booze on a typical Friday night in 2011 than I drank throughout the entire year of 2021. Progress! I’ll toke to that.


SMELLS

Canadian Christmas Candy 🍁🍬

The reigning queen of a certain galactic alliance in my universe, known only as Her Majesty, has retired to her royal winter storage quarters. She shall remain there for as long as outside temperatures are low enough to cause body parts to shrivel and bong water to freeze. Behold, a photographic portrait of Her Majesty, vested in her royal bubblewrap winter gown…

Her royal bowl is bubblewrapped separately.

I do not smoke at all during the three months out the year that Her Majesty is in recess. The lungs definitely appreciate having the time off. So this would be edible season for me. One of the great things about living in a country where legal cannabis shops are almost as common as liquor stores is that holiday-themed edibles are an actual thing. Like eggnog-flavoured chocolate…

I also got this candy cane-tinged number…

Mmm…sprinkles!