If You Meet A Rednexiteer*, Hug Him**

…and if he protests and calls you every filthy name† in the book, hug him anyway. A smile is a friendly greeting to a dog who has interacted regularly with humans since birth. But to a wild dog who knows nothing of human civilization, a smile is always an invitation to a fight, irrespective of the smiler’s true motive⁂. How severely depressing it must be to go through life assuming every smile has hostile intentions behind it. I think we can all agree that the world needs much less depressing.

* Western Canada as a geographic region and sociopolitical entity is traditionally thought to consist of four provinces. As in, not two. Four. Out of those four provinces, two of them (who just happen to be the only two with oceanic coastlines, and thus potential ports to meet the all-important economic needs of a hypothetical new nation) have officially gone on record stating their desire to remain part of the Canadian family in spite of any current misgivings with the feds, and want no part of all That. The other two aren’t officially pursuing That either, but their respective governments are all too happily eager to milk That for all That’s worth in order to score cheap political brownie points with their constituents, because pathological misanthropy is the very heartbeat and lifeblood of today’s conservatism. I hence outright refuse to call That by its common name of Wexit. In light of actual observable reality, the Wexit label is a misnomer. Despite its origins as a satirical hashtag intended to ridicule the whole concept, Rednexit is clearly a more accurate (and therefore much more appropriate) term.

** The choice of pronoun here was deliberate. The Rednexiteers are another one of those angry white men’s movements who collectively kneel before the high altar of St. Cheeto of Mar-a-Lago. Like the Proud Boys. Or Super Happy Fun America. Or any one of those online incel gangs. Or whatever shady forum of the dark web Alexandre Bissonnette was involved with. If you ever meet a Rednexiteeress, you can bet your bottom dollar she became one largely at the insistence of her laid-off oil worker husband.

† Should the filthy names in question be racist or homophobic in nature, hug him twice. The predilection to blame all one’s problems on some marginalized minority group is one of the symptoms of Stage IV conservatism. As an aside, nothing says “my brain never graduated from junior high school” quite like the use of the word retard as a derogatory epithet. Or any portmanteau incorporating either or both of that word’s syllables. For fuck’s sake, if you absolutely MUST insult people, do it with class.

⁂ If the recent forty-third general election cycle is any indication, the Conservative Party of Canada is seemingly fond of using analogies involving dogs. I figured I may as well speak their language.

There’s an old koan which speaks of a fish and its relationship with water. A fish lives its entire life in water, but does not understand what water is. Water is such a ubiquitous and all-permeating part of the fish’s reality that the fish is completely unaware of it. It is unable to make any distinction between water and non-water, because it is oblivious to the existence of either. The fish finally understands when it is removed from the water, but dies shortly after. I reckon it must be the same way with people who live their entire lives surrounded by beauty…‡

‡ That last sentence is in all likelihood a steaming hot pile of horseshit, but I nevertheless thought it would make a swell introduction to these photographic and videographic mementos of my many travels to Wild Rose Country.


Yes, you can go canoeing in Lake Louise. You don’t even need to supply your own vessel; canoes and kayaks are available for rent in the vicinity.

This is not some taxidermist’s creation. I found this guy standing there on the side of the road somewhere in Jasper, mesmerized.

This guy dominates the Drumheller skyline. That’s me standing next to the big toe waving to the camera, to give you an idea of how huge this thing is.

Contrary to what some people believe, Albertans actually do have a sense of humour. Behold, the evidence.


The Soundtrack of SILVER BROWN

The New Jazz [Part IV]: Crown Lands

Folks, up until about a week and a half ago or so, I was fully convinced rock n’ roll had no more worlds left to conquer. Every conceivable genre and musical concept has been explored within the rock idiom at least once. Even if the results didn’t exactly set the world on fire, it’s still been tried. We’ve heard funk rock. Jazz rock. Blues rock. Punk rock. Latin rock. Soul rock. Reggae rock. Industrial rock. Country rock. All thirty-one flavours of metal up yer ass. We’ve heard several rock operas. We’ve heard rock that borrows heavily from Tchaikovsky, or traditional folk music, or hip hop. We’ve heard rock with a synthesizer as a lead instrument, or three guitars, or two drummers. A band with two bass players? Check. We’ve heard what happens when the usual guitar-bass-drums-and-sometimes-keyboards setup is augmented with timbres not usually found in rock, like a flute, or a bagpipe, or even a didgeridoo. Quirkier still, we’ve also heard rock that does away with the guitar entirely, or uses it sparingly. We’ve heard a whole slew of bands unplugged. We’ve heard them collaborating with symphony orchestras. We’ve also heard this, which most would agree is in a class by itself…

I look at a band like Greta Van Fleet now, and reminisce with amusement how a younger, hipper version of me would have hated them. With every fibre of my being. How dare they commit the ultimate sacrilege by modelling their entire sound on the Mighty Zep! Such was the way of thinking of yours truly at the age of twenty-one. But now the attitude is: Meh. Let the kids rip off Zeppelin if they like. The Hammer of the Gods hasn’t done much in the way of mammoth touring since Bonzo drank himself to death (unless you count that series of records and tours Bob and Pagey did together in the Nineties), and some folks in the know are opining that Bob Plant’s iconic banshee wail ain’t what it used to be due to his advanced years. Hence, it’s arguably refreshing to hear a younger and more vigorous band attempt to take up the mantle, even if their efforts clearly pale in comparison to the original. It’s not like there’s any uncharted territory for a young band to go exploring in…

…or is there?

Before I expand upon that question, let me share with you all an interesting little tidbit about Canada that even most Canadians are dimly aware of. We have our own football league. Gridiron football, the local variant. Ever wonder why there are no NFL teams in Canada? Well, now you know. If hypothetically the NFL tried to put an expansion team in Toronto, such a move would almost certainly cause friction with the existing Toronto Argonauts organization, one of the oldest and most storied franchises of the Canadian Football League. So they never bother with it. Most would agree that the CFL lacks much of the bombast and pageantry of its American counterpart. And it does. But hey, it’s our league. It’s the league all our local teams play in. My heart and soul has been painted and tattooed Bomber Blue since I was but a wee lad. If you have even a passing familiarly with the CFL and its associated lore, you’ll understand what I mean by that.

Best in the West, bitches! That Grey Cup will be ours for the taking. Many a non-Bomber ass will be soundly kicked this November.

The other night I was watching my Bombers open up a big ol’ can of whoop-ass on their hated arch-rivals, the painfully nauseating Calgary Stampeders (if you think Argos fans are obnoxious, you’ve obviously never been to Calgary). Sometime during the second quarter, it was announced that some band I’ve never heard of was going to be performing during halftime. A band called Crown Lands, hailing from Oshawa, Ontario (one of Toronto’s satellite cities, for those not familiar with the geography). Usually halftime is when I get up to answer nature’s call and help myself to refreshments edible, drinkable and smokable, but I caught a certain vibe from this particular musical act. One that piqued my interest enough to stay tuned.

There are only two guys in this band. Which doesn’t seem so unusual on the surface. Duos have been a part of rock n’ roll since at least the Everly Brothers. But most musical duos hitherto have tended to fall in one of three categories. The first category would encompass the aforementioned Everly Brothers, and involves both performers being vocalists and frontmen. This type of duo functions very much so like a solo act with two people, and as such they frequently need to hire the services of a backup band. The second type is the Pet Shop Boys configuration, where one guy is the singer and the other guy replicates the sound of a backup band with an invariably impressive synthesizer rack, and doesn’t sing. Hip hop duos that consist of an MC and a DJ would be a variant of the Pet Shop Boys concept. You don’t see too many duos of this type used in hard rock contexts, although it’d be interesting to see somebody try. The third type is the White Stripes configuration, which is your basic garage-rock power trio minus a bassist. Probably the most minimalist rock n’ roll lineup there is. One that’s also rarely used, as it can have disastrous results if it’s not done right. Jack White is one of the few who somehow managed to make it work.

I hereby decree that there is now a fourth type of duo. Crown Lands, who are a category unto themselves.

One guy is the drummer. He’s also the lead singer. He sings and plays drums with equal virtuosity. Like Geddy Lee, only on drums. If that’s not cool enough, he’s got a Roger Taylor-esque gong as part of his kit to boot. The other guy is the guitarist. A guitarist with many curiosities among his vast array of pedals, which includes a prominent bass pedal as its centerpiece. During a performance, he plays the guitar parts with his hands and the bass (and synth!) parts with his feet. Like Ray Manzarek, only on guitar. A guitar that emits plenty of otherworldly sounds…

The preceding was the halftime performance in its entirety. Picture quality in that video is wack-ass, but at least it gives you an idea of what I saw. Here’s a slightly better-quality video that shows off more of the guitar player’s pedal rig…

Their music videos don’t blow nearly as much mind as their live performances, but here’s one of them…